If you don't know who Karl Pilkington is, get out from under that rock and listen to that funny fucker!
Basically he's a good friend of Ricky Gervais', did a radio program with him and Steve Merchant, does regular audio books/podcasts together etc.
He has an opinion on everything. He's deadly serious in everything he says and, although a lot of his theories are bollocks, some of them I completely understand.
“Why didn't evolution make a giraffe good at carpentry so it could build a ladder?”
"At some point, somethin has had it away with a leaf"- [Karl's explanation of an insect which has evolved to look like a leaf to protect itself from prey]
"I came up with a good idea....see through skin"
"I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff."
“The Elephant Man would never have gotten up and gone, ‘Oh, God. Look at me hair today.’”
"I could eat a knob at night."
"Whether it's a potato or a nut, it's a foodage!"
"I look at life like a big book and sometimes you get half way through it and go 'Even though I've been enjoying it, I've had enough. Give us another book'"
"They say it all started out with a big bang. But, what I wonder is, was it a big bang or did it just seem big because there wasn't anything else to drown it out at the time?"
"You can be an ugly baby and everyone goes "awww innit nice?" There was some women in a cafe the other week that I was sat in, and she came up and she sat down with her mate and she was talkin' loudly goin' on about "oh the baby's lovely." They said it's got, er, lovely big eyes, er, really big hands and feet. Now that doesn't sound like a nice baby to me. I felt like sayin' it sounds like a frog. But I thought I dont know her, there's only so much you can say to a stranger. I dont know what kept me from sayin' it."
"Any problem solved is a new problem made."
(On fun-sized chocolates) "I don't know why they're called fun-sized; I mean, if I called a midget fun-sized, they'd kick off"
"So you're sayin that it's easy to send somat up to space, but you don't believe there's a little, um, banana machine"
"It is hard eating a little kangaroo knob."
"Jellyfish are 97% water or something, so how much are they doing? Just give them another 3% and make them water. It's more useful."
"I'd kick it, and I'd say 'You knob-head'."
- Karl tells Ricky his response to being poisoned by an octopus.
"People moan about drugs being tested on animals. I sort of think it depends innit. If the drug's aspirin and the monkey's got a headache, is it tight?"
"I saw a cockroach playing Pacman. It was on the internet, right, and somebody had linked up a cockroach to err... to some... I can't even be bothered explaining it, but that's what I'm saying - everything is moving on"
Talking about being in heaven- "It's not fair though because all them lot have been up there ages with like a chance to get a bit of sun on the body and that so they'll look alright. I'll be wandering about with underpant marks and stuff."
"You're not gonna believe this. Homeless.... chinese fella. I've never seen one of them."
"Neil Armstrong, that spaceman, he went to the moon but he ain't been back. It can't have been that good."
