Letter to an ex-friend.

Dear person who shall remain nameless even though it's blatantly obvious I'm talking about you,

I don't give a toss about your fucking 24 year old sex-obsessed boyfriend that can only get a 15 year old girlfriend because he's too much of a douche bag to get people his own age to talk to him. I don't care about his shitty band that sounds like every other shitty pop-punk band who each claim their individualism by dressing, looking and sounding exactly the same as every other person. I don't give a shit that he has dreadlocks. In fact, they make him look like a down-right twat. You think I'm jealous of your relationship with him, well that's just bollocks. I'd rather hammer a rusty nail into my pupil whilst swimming about in Lindsay Lohan's vomit than to go out with someone as big a dick as him.

I don't give a shit about your lying bitch of a mother who is having a mid-life crisis at age 34 who, like her mother before her, couldn't keep her legs shut so you were conceived at age 17. I'm sure you'll no doubt keep up the family tradition. She is a lying cow - another trait you've inherited from her. Go ahead and try to stick up for yourselves, but you're both so small I could just step my boots all over you (literally AND metaphorically).

I don't give a rats arse about your nearly 9 year old brother who you treat like a 2 year old. He's a whiney little bitch who is, without doubt, going to become gay from all that fucking ice skating where you dressed him up like an elf. Remember that? You were into ice skating because you wanted to be like Jon Heder... speaking of which:

What ever happened to being a mormon? You used to be a strictly non-swearing, non-drinking, non-sex having kid who with the whole family went to Utah, came home, and then gave it all up. Remember why you became mormon? It was because you thought Jon Heder (that fucking c-grade actor who appears in movies that are all the exact same) was amazing and he was mormon so why doesn't your whole fucking family convert? What a joke. You talked down to me and thought I was going to hell for the way I acted. How the tables have turned. I don't even believe in heaven or hell but I'm sure there's a spot reserved for you in the latter.

As for your jumper I DON'T FUCKING HAVE IT. I bought mine from Cotton On in Sydney - do you need to know the exact store before you stop asking me about it? Bought it in Pitt Street mall. Don't believe me? I don't give a toss. Even if I did have it, what makes you think I'd give it back after all this? I don't want to even look at a photo of you let alone meet up with you to return something to you. Get over this pathetic excuse for an argument you prick and move on.

Now I'm finished because you're definitely not worth the time. I don't care if you read this or not, it's up to you to take a fucking hard look at yourself and see what a pathetic waste of space you really are.